Me.

Meh.

I just feel myself deteriorating.

Every time I’m on the graphic design floor, I just feel like more and more of my soul is being sucked out of me. 

Reasons why:

1. I’m worried about life after college. I’m not confident in my skills as a designer. I’m not confident that my portfolio is anywhere near as good as everyone else’s. I’m not confident that I’m actually going to be a graphic designer, and it’s killing me. People are telling me to believe in myself, to get over it, or just to not think about it. But I can’t stop thinking about it.

2. I also can’t stop thinking about the fact that I have no real friends on the graphic design floor. It’s amazing how everyone is part of this tight-knit group, and I’m always on the outside. I try to push my way in, but when it’s all of them and then me, no one cares. Not that they have to, but I did think I was kind of making headway (guess not). I feel like this constantly happens to me, and I don’t know why. And I can’t believe it when people like my boyfriend tell me how awesome I am. Because apparently I’m not if no one wants to hang out with me. I don’t know why I’m so isolated all the time. I mean, some people are kind enough, but the people who completely ignore me drive me crazy. Especially because that wasn’t always the case. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. 

I guess I’m just lonely.

I don’t know if I’m suffering from depression, or just some insane confidence issues. I just want to tear my hair out and scream, but I end up doing nothing instead.

I’ve stopped caring about what I eat. I’m probably going to gain all of my weight back. I’m sure I have already.

I’ve stopped applying myself. I feel stagnant. 

I’m just really unhappy most of the time. The days that Kyle’s in Philly with me are the best days of my week. But I just don’t want to get too dependent on him. And I don’t want to live for just him. And I feel like that’s what I’m doing. I need something else to look forward to. And I don’t.

Oh well. I guess there’s not much I can do at this point.

Meh.